Training Ferrets, it's not easy, but worth it!

Another day, another load of verbal faeces about competency based training. According to a bunch of over paid, undereducated Latin American ferrets ,otherwise known as my training division, I cannot, by all accounts, do my job without a certificate IV in Workplace Communication. Prior to today, I have been deemed competent at my job for over eight years. I have not killed anybody without a due cause; I have actually made money for the company, which In turn is returned to me in small fortnightly allotments otherwise known as a wage. I am still of the belief I got more pocket money out of my tight fisted Jewish mother then I do out of firm, anyhow, why all of a sudden do I need to complete a two week course in Workplace Communication?

I’ll tell you why, because ferrets run our training division and ferrets don’t speak English. So when I told them that they are as useless as a blind taxi driver (even though most of the taxi drivers in Sydney would meet the medical definition of blindness), they didn’t understand me. So I told them that a retarded child could make better decisions, this they understood.

While professionally articulating to my supervisor, that our training department was run by a bunch of illiterate, retarded ferrets, the head ferret entered and demanded that I, a prodigy (see last blog), apologise for the inarticulate insults directed to the Kingdom of the Ferrets. They also threw in, that by calling them a bunch of retarded ferrets was evidence in itself that I was required to undertake the Workplace Communication course. Once again, because of my hot headed speak before I think action I am now required to do the training. This is however where revenge is sweet.

The boss, who I failed to mention is a old drinking buddy of mine, had just finished reading about a two week Workplace Communication workshop being run in sunny sweet Hawaii and thought that it would be a good idea if I undertook this course and assess its suitability for other employees to attend.

BANG! The ferret just got shot between the eyes!

All of a sudden a mound of verbal faeces started to spew from the ferret’s mouth. “But it is the Training Division's job to assess all courses, why would you send this incompetent retard?” (Now who needs to do Workplace Communication?)

My boss is now allowing me to travel business class from Sydney, stay at a five star resort with all meals and drinks included, plus $10000 expense account, just in the event there may be “potential clients” that need require some fine services while we stay for two week in sunny Hawaii.

Well it’s time to go to the Zoo and feed the Ferrets. I am not sure what they eat, but a dozen Krispy Cream donuts should do the trick.

Until next time, Live like a Sevarg.

31 Mar 09.

The Meaning of the Word Prodigy

You may be asking, “What is a prodigy?” Well let me explain. A prodigy is somebody who shows some sort of above normal ability that if their potential was actually realised, would result in this person becoming some sort of a lowly rank God. Think Australian Idol and the teeny bopper groupies, those young girls that when they scream at every untalented note sung, the catholic church prepares for the rapture. While we are absolutely positive and we are backed by extensive university research, shows that every contestant on Australian Idol has absolutely no ability and can never be labelled as a prodigy. The teeny bopper groupies, however, do have potential! They have the potential to become full blown, STD ridden, sleep with every member of the band, type of groupie. As such some of these groupies may show above normal ability, like sleeping with every member of the Rolling Stones by the age of 16, thus entitling them to be labelled as a groupie prodigy.

Ladies and Gentleman you have a responsibility to ensure that prodigies (except groupie prodigies) are cut down. Really who likes a rich wanker who drives a Ferrari? Sure we like, we love, the Ferrari. Which true red blooded male (and uncut she-man) does not get a hard on when they see a Ferrari. Unfortunately the problem with every Ferrari is the prick in them? The forty year old, recently divorced, spent every last cent they own on the deposit, white cotton pants, matching jacket, a shirt that was last seen on Miami Vice, a chest full of hair that Chewbacca would proud of and enough gold around their neck, that Captain Jack Sparrow and the rest of the Caribbean are mounting a expedition in search of the lost treasure of Wankerville. OK I admit, I would not call them a prodigy, but you still hate him as much as you hate warm beer. Not because he looks like a cock, but because he is driving a Ferrari and you not, OK some of your hate is because he looks like a cock, but you hate him because he makes your look weak.

This is really where the word prodigy gets its name from. The word prodigy comes from the word "Prod" meaning "to poke and make fun of" and the Latin word “igy” meaning “big fat wanker that drives a Ferrari”.

Ok got to go and pick up my white cotton suit and get the Ferrari washed.

Until next time, live like a Sevarg.

30 Mar 09.

Baby Fur Seal Carpet? Why Not!

Fridays are a funny day! I don’t mean ha ha funny, though the loud Hawaiian shirt I wore today was ha ha funny. I mean that they seem to drag on forever, but nobody in the office really does any work. When I walked around the office today, I noticed that a lot of people looking at their internet and placing their Australian Rules football tips. In my opinion this is a total waste of the organisations productivity. Now as an overpaid, unused manager it is my duty to install as many “Dilbert” moments into my staff day. Such as today, I asked for a report on the revamping of the office carpet.

I wanted to know the colour they had selected and what other options had been available and I wanted it by 3pm. Oh did I mention I asked for this report at 2.45pm. At the last meeting on this said topic, I made my position on the matter very clear, that the preferred option was baby fur seal cream carpet that was made from baby fur seals that had been clubbed to death, preferably in Canada. However, the tree hugging hippies, otherwise known as my staff presented their selection of standard office grey, easy to clean, stain resistant carpet. While practical, it is not what I wanted. They continued to talk about the inhuman and bad publicity installing baby fur seal carpet into the office would bring. This to me was most boring! I ask you, the reader, what would you rather have, a baby fur seal cream carpet or a boring and plain non stain easy to clean office gray carpet. That’s right readers, exactly , the baby fur seal carpet.

Now you may be thinking, it is not very friendly to use clubbed dead seals to make carpet, I would agree, but when clubbing baby fur seals is a national sport for Canada, then we have only three options. One, feed clubbed seal to a polar bear, two feed the clubbed seals to an Eskimo, now that’s diabolical, how dare Eskimo’s eat baby fur seal, that’s like an Eskimo eating their mother, though I can’t remember if Eskimo’s are cannibals. Finally, we could use them to make carpet for my office. Think about it, if we all had baby fur seals for carpet, we wouldn’t need shoes, we would all want to walk barefooted on the baby fur seal cream carpet, I know I would, therefore you would. This would reduce the number of sweat shops in developing country making cheap shoes. Increasing the standard of living and as such I get my baby fur seal carpet. It’s a win win any way you look at it.

Until Next Time, live like a Sevarg.

Friday 27 Mar 09